three (really bad) reasons to have a boyfriend

+1: nothing kills me more than to have to figure out the "+1" deal. If I don’t take a date, I get the pity stares. If I take a girlfriend, not only do I get the pity stares, I also have to fend off questions about my sexuality. A boyfriend would mean a guaranteed "+1" AND someone to dance a slow dance with.

sick leave: you know, when you're sick and you just want someone to stay with you so you're not miserable alone. It's not like I expect them to make me chicken soup (although, that would be lovely) but, you know, someone to go to the pharmacy or to heat up a hot water bottle… that would be sweet.

scaredy cat: most girls would probably have something in here about opening jam jars and reaching the top shelf, but I have tools for those things. I do not have a tool for when I hear a strange sound in the middle of the night and I don't want to go see what it is, despite knowing it is something completely innocuous. Like last night, when I was awakened by what sounded like the front door closing. What I wouldn’t have given to nudge someone else awake who would go check the door while I peeked around the corner.

The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb

Whoa Nelly. The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb took me a whopping eight weeks finish. At 723 hard cover pages, I suppose that respectable, but I'll tell you, one sprained wrist later, I wish I had saved this for a leisurely five-hour train ride to Montreal. I should have known it would take me a while to read: when I read She's Come Undone, it was the same thing. In fact, a lot of similarities pop up, including the song singing issue.

Anyway, on to the book. It is dense. Columbine, Civil war, Vietnam, Katrina... all in there. Not to mention depression, child molestation, rape, adultery and only one sort-of-happy ending to be had. Yet, somehow, in all that, I didn't shed a single tear.

I like Wally Lamb, I really do, but something about his writing always holds me at arms-length. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe if I were completely immersed, I'd want to slit my wrists or something. The flip side is, of course, that despite 723 pages, I never really got to care about these characters.

There's lots to read in the world, and I'm glad I read this book. But I woudn't read it again.

Now Playing: Robin Hood

No, not that one, the new Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett. Of the two, I think you know who my favourite is.

It was an okay movie, nothing I need to go on and on about. The cinematography is my favourite part - those shots in France and on Dover beach? Lovely.

A good question came up post-show - why did they choose an 'older' cast? It seems all the reboots and origin stories have much younger actors in the roles, but in Robin Hood, the entire cast is over 35, I think and mostly over 40. Ponderations.

Also: when Crowe takes off his armour, he only has ONE scar; albeit, a big scar, but really? He should be riddled with nicks and scratches after ten years on the Crusades! These are teh kinds of details that bother me.

I'd rent it if I were you. 3 out of 5 stars.

panic

I wake up from one of my frequent night terrors and, Holy God, my right eye is burning like crazy. I check the clock - it's a little blurry, says 0430. I feel like I have several eyelashes stuck in my eye so I try to rub them out - no dice. I get out of my comfy cozy bed go to the bathroom, pull out my 10x magnifying makeup mirror and begin searching for the offending eyelash. Nothing - a very red, very angry looking eye stares back at me accusingly, but there is nothing there. Hm. Perhaps I just poked it in my sleep and now it is irritated. I find Visine in my medicine cabinet, put it in and almost drop to the floor - it's worse! Stinging, burning and altogether uncomfortable. I go to read the date on the Visine bottle - perhaps it is expired? And then I notice that I can't focus. I mean, yes, the tears are blurring my vision, but I can't actually get my left eye to focus.

Panic.

OhMyGod, my retina has detached and I'm home alone and there' s nothing I can do about it, so I call my eye doctor and leave a frantic message on their machine and then I call my dad (yes, at 0435) and tell him "Dad, I can't see properly! I think my eye is completely messed up! I need to go to the doctor but I can't drive there!" He talks me off the ledge (what time does the optometrist open? we'll go there first thing, just go back to sleep now, rest your eye) and I put first a heated towel and then a cool towel on my eye and fall back asleep until 0640, when dad calls back to see how I'm doing and if I want to get picked up now and I tell him I feel little better, looking over at the bookshelf and happy as hell that I can read with spines with both eyes, so I'll go to the optometrist myself, no worries, Daddy and he said to keep him posted.

Fast forward to 1100, in the doctor's office, I hear him tell his daughter (in school for optometry at the University of Waterloo) all about my eyes and how interesting all the scarring is. Scarring? I think. Yes, he sees the laser lines from my eye surgery four years ago, but also "spots" where my cornea has re-ripped. …what. the. fuck. He must have seen my apprehension, and he tries to make me feel better by saying "don't worry, your eyelid just grazes your cornea a little too close to the pupil, that's why you couldn't focus at first. it will heal." Not. Helping. "It happens to a lot of people, and this is an old injury. You probably just opened your eye a little too quickly and your eyelid caught the cornea. Here are some drops - they'll help."

So, no retinal detachment (my living nightmare) - just a "bionic" eyelid that has it in for my eye… how's that for self-destructive tendencies?

Now Playing: Iron Man 2

Wow, I am slow in getting this done...so! Iron Man 2! I watched, I loved it. I think RDJ is pretty much made for this role somehow. I have to admit, I feel like everything I want to say about the franchise or the characters I already covered in the review for the first Iron Man.

So, instead, a list of random semi-related thoughts.

1) Don Cheadle is a great War Machine. That other guy is a moron of Tank proportions.

2) This lead up to the Avengers is pretty epic. I'm really hoping that Edward Norton does indeed come back.

3) Scarlett Johansson is full-body leather? holy krikey. Almost makes me rethink my fantasy casting for the next Batman.

4) I kinda love Tony Stark. He's class-A jerk but damn, if he doesn't ooze charisma. Did I mention that I think RDJ was born for this role?

Whoops, I almost forgot: 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Now Playing: The Losers / Date Night

The Losers
I really had no intention of watching this and then boredom hit. This is what living across a multiplex does to you. Anyway: The Losers. I really didn't have any idea what this movie was about or even that it's based on a graphic novel. Given that it was May 1 and officially into blockbuster season, it made sense to watch it. It was all right. The action was good, the plot was well-played and it had even had Stringer in it for good measure. But you know who stole the show? Funny man Chris Evans… man, he was cute. I just didn't get why this character was perpetually girlfriend-free. Also, is it just me, or is Jeffrey Dean Morgan a beefier version of Robert Downey Jr.? JMD and RDJ need to be a brothers/buddy flick.
Short review: 3.5 out of 5 stars. Definitely worth a rental.

Date Night
Steve Carrell and Tiny Fey together? This should have been comic gold! And perhaps Date Night would have been had they just let the writing teams from SNL and The Office write this… alas, they didn't. So, instead, there are a lot great one-liners ("work that pole like a runaway) that are the direct result of some great ad-libbing mired in a plot that's kinda dumb and trite. Besides Carrell and Fey, there's plenty of star power - just check out the cast list! aaand, that's about it. Rent it, if you must. But you won't be missing much. 2.5 out of 5 stars.