Now Playing: Knowing

Sitting in the darkened theatre, I frantically whisper "They're aliens!" and I get an equally urgent response, "They're angels!" ... so, who won? Neither, because we're two losers having this discussion while watching #4 in the "Movies I Would Only Watch if They're Free"series"- Knowing. Obvious puns of "if only I'd known!" aside... God, if only I'd known. There's 120 minutes of my life that could have been spent watching something, even paid.

Spoilers will abound; if you care, look away!

I've decided that Nicolas Cage has to be pretty high on a top-secret "bad actors" list. Okay, I don't have any such list, but if I did, he'd be up there. He also seems to act in a bunch of movies that match his acting abilities. I mean, what was he thinking when read this script? "Yes, I see... aliens who happen to look like angels! Why that's downright genius!" Every Heaven's Gate-esque cult within earshot is grinning with self-righteous glee that someone was making a serious movie out of their vats of crazy. Did you know that aliens will pluck up the Chosen and drop them down on an Eden-like world where they can "start again"? ... is it too late to add "random trench coat perv" to the angel/alien debate? Okay, that's unfair. They're not pervy, just really really nosey.

This isn't even a contender for Awards Season; yet, it's not mockingly bad enough to become some sort of cult classic. It's just dumb. And unlike the other movies in this series, it's not even trying to be self-aware. Therein lies its true issue: it takes itself way too seriously - from the "science" it uses to the "morals" it preaches, this movie is downright annoying. I would have given it a 2.5 like all the others, if for nothing but its special effects (I don't know why they pick NYC for every disaster movie, but there is something very satisfying about watching all of Manhattan Island get swallowed by waves of flames) and tense music; however, due to Knowing's clear lack of irony - 1.5 out of 5 stars.

*******

This wraps up the MIWOWiTF series of movies for April 2009. Hopefully I've saved you some time and/or money. ...Who am I kidding? You wouldn't have seen any of these movies anyway. There may be more in future (cereal boxes hold untold treasures!), but I cannot wait for May. After what I've just stomached, how shitty can Star Trek possibly be?